A lesson on controlling anger.
Narrated Abu Dharr (ra): The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said to us: When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.
– Sunan Abi Dawud 4782
As we discussed in yesterday’s newsletter, the Prophet ﷺ was always a cheerful and warm person. It’s partly the reason why people loved to be in his company.
A person that frequently gets angry shows that they lack self-control, and it can cause others to lose respect and distance themselves from that individual. People want to feel safe, and they want to feel happy. So, although anger is a natural human emotion and serves a purpose, it can be counter-productive and damaging in many situations. There is a proper way to wield anger which the Prophet ﷺ did, and we’ll explore that a bit later.
The teaching Rasulullah ﷺ emphasizes is the importance of easing the tension in the mind and body when one starts to feel the emotion entering their psyche. To create space between the event that transpired and the urge to react immediately.
This is a similar insight Victor Frankl concluded during his time in the concentration camps of world war II. He stated, “Between stimulus and response there’s space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”
ٱلَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي ٱلسَّرَّآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّآءِ وَٱلۡكَٰظِمِينَ ٱلۡغَيۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِينَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ وَٱللَّهُ يُحِبُّ ٱلۡمُحۡسِنِينَ
Allazeena yunfiqoona fissarraaa’i waddarraaa’i wal kaazimeenal ghaiza wal aafeena ‘anin-naas; wallaahu yuhibbul muhsineen
Who spend [in the cause of Allah] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people – and Allah loves the doers of good;
Is anger a choice?
This makes it seem that becoming angry is within our control, almost like a choice. In fact, this is the theory that Adlerian Psychology proposes – people often fabricate anger.
It’s an interesting perspective — sometimes, the mind uses anger to achieve a specific goal.
A child will get angry over trivial things, and people will accommodate this behavior. So, they learn that this behavior is useful in getting what they want. However, if left uncorrected, this will have dire consequences in the real world, and they will not know why. They will think the world is the problem failing to see that it may be them.
Have you or anyone you know in a state of “rage” received a phone call and answered it like a complete sociopath? Immediately in an innocent, calm, and collected voice, they answer ironically, “assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh” meaning, “Peace be upon you and God’s mercy and blessings,” but as soon as the call ends, they pick the anger right back up where they left off.
This is the Adlerian view on anger.
Here anger is being utilized as a tool (e.g., to make your point heard). Anger can also be used to try and submit dominance over another person. It’s a power move as most would rather avoid confronting the individual and de-escalating the situation.
When the Prophet ﷺ got angry:
The hadith narrations which mention the times the Prophet ﷺ got angry were things about people engaging in forbidden/haram acts or when people deterred others from seeing the beauty in Islam. He never showed anger or disgust over a personal matter.
Abu Mas’ud al-Ainsari reported: A person came to the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) and said: I keep away from the morning prayer on account of such and such (a man), because; he keeps us so long. I never saw God’s Messenger (ﷺ) more angry when giving an exhortation than he was that day. He said: O people, some of you are scaring people away. So whoever of you leads the people in prayer he must be brief, for behind him are the weak, the aged, and the people who have (urgent) business to attend.
Sahih Muslim 466a
The person who led the prayer likely had great knowledge of the Qur’an. So his congregation tended to be longer, reciting large portions of the Qur’an. So when the Prophet ﷺ heard the news that people were becoming annoyed being led in prayer and stopped showing up because of an exceptionally long prayer, he became angry.
His anger set a precedent for righteous behavior.
And since he rarely got angry, people paid close attention when he was upset.
Reflection:
“Either you run the day or it runs you. Everything in life is a lot like that. Emotions are a lot like that. Either you master them or they will master you. Something is always going to master, and something is always going to serve.”
We’re likely to experience many more episodes of anger over our lifetime. They are impossible to avoid one hundred percent of the time. But each time we do (and once our nerves have settled), we should ask to understand if it was used as a tool rather than some spontaneous and uncontrollable outburst that just overtook us.
Don’t pass the blame or responsibility for your emotional state on others (even if it could be justified – it takes away from your agency and your control over the matter). Make a study of yourself and see how you react and behave. Be honest and curious, and ask yourself why the thing that got you mad affected you the way it did?
